Gathering with ease

One of the most beautiful things we can do in life is gather with others. Having positive, respectful and loving relationships with others can help keep us healthy and happy. 

Sometimes we let entertaining overwhelm us as we try to do too much. Whether to impress or because we feel going above and beyond is necessary in order to have an enjoyable evening.

But like many things in life, and something I strongly believe in - simplicity is beautiful.  

The most important part about gathering is the connection with others. Coming together in an intimate surrounding to share stories and laugh with one another. And for gatherings to have a sense of ease.

What takes the ease away is when we try to do too much. When we spend the whole night in the kitchen preparing a three course meal on par with a Masterchef contestant, taking all of our time away from what truly matters - sharing quality time with others. 

When we overcomplicate we are less likely to gather regularly because it can be exhausting. And because doing the whole three course meal is rather costly. We are more likely to keep gatherings happening consistently when we keep simplicity and ease in mind. 

What does gathering with ease feel like?

I say feel here because it's an important element of gathering.

When I have guests in my home I hope that they feel welcome and like they are part of the family. I try to evoke a feeling of warmth, comfort and casualness, one that is calm and harmonious. Food feels like a natural extension of the evening. Bowls making their way into the hands of guests with a glass of wine sitting alongside them. A grazing board enjoyed slowly for the whole of an afternoon. Children welcome to sit on laps and enjoy whatever we ourselves are eating. 

They include a little mess and things not going perfectly. But nonetheless they are enjoyed and we continue to host them often. 

A few things I've learned along the way when it comes to gathering with ease:

• Don't be afraid to cook what you know well. Sometimes we try to do new amazing meals which isn't necessarily bad, but it's also nice to do those meals that we know from memory. And rather beautiful to share something our family loves with others.

• It's ok to cheat at times. Instead of making a dessert from scratch on top of everything else to prepare, scooping a spoon of quality ice-cream and serving it with a biscotti can be equally enjoyable.

• Sitting on the floor to eat can be just as nice as a table. Most of my favourite gatherings have been while sitting cross legged around the living room floor, with children in laps or playing nearby. Gathering around a table is beautiful. But so too are the more casual affairs.

• Accept help from others. Sharing the responsibility of a gathering can help keep them easier. Take turns to host, alternate who cooks the main meal, let the other bring a dessert. And accept help in the kitchen to bring a meal together.

• Keep conversation light-hearted. I've sat around a table with heated debates and arguments and left the evening feeling heavy and exhausted. They haven't been enjoyable at all. For a gathering to have a sense of ease about it, conversation needs to be friendly, light and drama free.

Human connection is a beautiful thing and something we seem to be moving away from. With so many of us on social media and already seeing what others appear to be doing in their day-to-day, I do wonder if it is taking away the desire to gather often.

But this face-to-face interaction with others is so important to our wellbeing. It keeps us connected. And feeling a part of something greater than ourselves. It's also important for our children to experience and encourages them to welcome togetherness into their lives.

Good relationships keep us happy and healthy

Spending time with people you love matters. Having good relationships keeps us happy and healthy, and having a sense of connection with others is vital for our wellbeing.

Various studies have been conducted over time to show truth in this.

One in particular is The Grant Study run in tandem with The Glueck Study. The Grant Study is a 75-year longitudinal study of 268 physically and mentally healthy Harvard college sophomores. The Glueck Study includes 456 disadvantaged non-delinquent inner-city youths who grew up in Boston neighbourhoods. All were men. Many who continue to be studied to this day.

The study involves doing questionnaires, medical checks and interviews at least every two years. They are also observed with how they interact with their spouses, and spouses often interviewed as well. The goal of the study is to identify predictors of healthy aging. 

There are a number of main results of the study, which are summarised as:

• Alcoholism is a disorder of great destructive power.

• Financial success depends on warmth of relationships and, above a certain level, not on intelligence.

• Political mindedness correlates with intimacy: Aging liberals have more sex.

• The warmth of childhood relationship with mothers matters long into adulthood

• The warmth of childhood relationship with fathers correlated with lower rates of adult anxiety, greater enjoyment of vacations, and increased "life satisfaction" at age 75.

The main conclusion:

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"Warmth of relationships throughout life has the greatest positive impact on 'life satisfaction'".
Put differently, the study shows: "Happiness is love. Full stop."

– George Eman Vaillant

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This doesn't mean to say that we need to have a lengthly list of friends to be healthy. Let's take Facebook - how many friends do any of us actually see face-to-face?

Like all good things in life it's quality over quantity that often makes us feel happier or more satisfied. 

From what I've learned from various literature about the happiest cultures in the world (The Little Book of Lykke, The Blue Zones Of Happiness, The Village Effect), the importance is on having close connections with people. Individuals that we continue to see on a frequent basis for much of our lives give us a sense of meaning and purpose.

There is also truth that living with a partner can benefit our wellbeing and decrease feelings of loneliness. It could be the person we marry or a de facto relationship, or it could be living with a best friend. Those who feel they have love in their life often fair better in the long run. 

We must remember, there is no perfect relationship. Most healthy relationships have their ups and downs, and challenging moments. That is normal. If on the other hand the bulk of our time with someone is emotionally destructive and causing great pain then that will not help our health. And sometimes parting ways is better for all those concerned. 

But it's normal for couples to bicker, and often continues into those later years. If honesty, love, communication and respect are at the core then it can benefit our wellbeing tremendously. 

We can help bring a sense of connectivity into our lives by thinking about who we would like to have in our circle. Those people we respect and respect us. Who don't judge or try to outdo us in relation to success or material possessions. Who listen with empathy and in turn we listen to. Who we trust. 

And then we gather, often. Informally at one another's homes. Sitting around the living room sharing stories. Making it a weekly ritual to walk or ride together. Or gather for a casual meal on a weekend while the kids play together in the backyard. 

For parents of children, having grandparents around can help tremendously. Not only to parents who need some time out, but for the wellbeing of children and grandparents as well. But let's face it, with cities becoming larger and spreading out many of us don't live so close to our parents anymore. So it's then that we look to our good friendships for support. And help our children develop relationships with adults other than ourselves. 

Loneliness is destructive. And we all deserve love. Relationships matter. Togetherness matters. So think about those that matter most to you. Gather with them often. Show your children warmth and hug them tightly. In the end as we slip away, those moments shared together are most likely all we will think about.

Create experiences in the everyday

I strongly believe that our lives could be incredibly enjoyable if we create experiences in our everyday life.

And if we are receptive and appreciate them. 

We can transform the feeling of monotony around the ordinary and repetitive into something enjoyable. It helps break us out of autopilot. And begin to appreciate our immediate surrounding and daily interactions. 

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"The true secret of happiness lies in taking a genuine interest in all the details of daily life."

– William Morris

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Let's take a look at a few examples of everyday activities which can be turned into enjoyable experiences ...

Morning coffee

Rather than making a cup and guzzling it down without noticing, pay attention to the sounds as it pours, and deep aroma of the beans. Take it outside to enjoy in the morning sun. And sip it slowly. 

Or leave for work a littler earlier than usual, venture to a cafe with a cosy feeling with a book in hand. Find an inviting table. And spend half an hour reading while enjoying a nicely brewed coffee. 

Work commute

Take a detour to the usual route if possible and explore a new street. Notice the houses or parks you pass by. The locals going about their day.

Sometimes just breaking up the routine of travelling to and from work can feel like a little adventure. It can alter our opinion of our everyday surrounding and enliven us.

Rainy day

A rainy day is a perfect opportunity to create a feeling of cosiness. It's days like these I love to light a few candles, make a pot of coffee on the stove, and sit and look out the window as the rain gently falls. Or climb on the couch with my son, cover our legs in a blanket and colour in superhero pictures all afternoon. 

Family dinner

Rather than just throwing plates of food down on a table, or coffee table in front of the TV (which many of us do), cover the dining table with linen and place a lit candle in the middle of the table. Put on some ambient music and invite the family to the table.

These little touches, as simple as they are create an experience. When I do this at home, my son always comes to the table with eyes wide open and excited to sit for dinner. 

Bedtime routine

Head to bed 30 minutes earlier than usual. Change into comfy pyjamas (if you haven't already), smooth some scented cream over your arms and take a moment to notice the scent, climb into bed and read, notice the comfort and feeling of security of a warm doona covering you.

Creating an experience around our bedtime routine can help us wind down slowly rather than going straight from our computers or TV to bed. Even 15 minutes of doing this can help relax us after a busy day.  

Exercise

Pick a time of day that you love and head outdoors to do your exercise. The golden hours are beautiful for this. Invite a friend for a walk, or enjoy the silence of the early hours as you move on your own. Notice the fresh air, or the colours of the sky as the sun is rising or setting. When you finish exercise sit for a moment and enjoy being still and just observe. 

It involves mindfulness

When we are aware of our surrounding it can help us feel calm, and an appreciation of the simplicities of life. It can reduce stress. Decrease the feeling of boredom. And help us break out of the exhausting treadmill that we often feel we are running. And essentially, it can help us feel happier.

Why togetherness matters

I often read literature about those cultures that seem to be the happiest, like Denmark and Norway. And in my pursuit of finding out more I've spoken with professionals on the matter.

The consensus is that those that have a sense of community around them and value togetherness fare better in life. Having that close support and camaraderie can be beneficial to our health and happiness, and possibly the longevity of our lives. 

It's not uncommon nowadays to live away from family. Whether for work or the desire to experience living in another culture. Or due to cities becoming much larger and more spread out, making it harder to simply pop over for a cup of tea with family. Or perhaps because our values don't align with family and we generally feel happier without that constant contact.

This is where we can create a sense of community around us with friends. Friendships based on a mutual respect. On kindness and without judgement. And on being humble and not trying to constantly impress or outdo one another. 

There is so much comfort to be felt in gathering with loved ones. To come together and enjoy the simplicity of a gooey cheese and glass of wine on a balmy summer evening. To sit on a picnic rug in a park while the children play. To meet weekly for a long walk by the river or through forest. It's when relationships flourish and we feel that sense of belonging that it can potentially help us feel much happiness.  

People come and go throughout our lives. And sometimes we may be hurt by them. But it's those individuals that enter our lives that leave us feeling uplifted and respected that are worth holding onto. It's those relationships that we can nurture and help grow into lifelong friendships by getting together regularly. It may only be a select few, and that is totally OK. Quality over quantity is a concept that can crossover to many facets of our life. 

Quite often when we gather it can pull us out of our own chaotic thoughts. And reminds us that we are part of something greater. Where we can practise empathy and be kind. And encourages us to put aside our everyday stresses and celebrate the simplicity of life together. 

What can we do to bring a greater sense of togetherness into our lives? 

Help those special relationships flourish by gathering often. Put perfection aside and be honest and humble. Share our life and our home with others often. Embrace spontaneity rather than structure. Listen intently and share pieces of our real selves. Gather simply without complicating the process. Accept help and don't feel that we need to do it all ourselves. 

In doing so we could open our lives to so many fond memories. Memories that are special for all those that we welcome to come together.